Opinions of the Kepnachi
by BeastWithinProductions
Summary: The Captains meet and discuss the actions of the life and adventures of the greatest Kenpachi alive!


**Note:**** This is not for the weak of heart and mind**

**Opinions of the Kenpachi**

It was a calm morning in the soul society. The sun had just begun to rise over the thirteen court guard squads barracks.

The soul reapers all went about their daily tasks offering friendly gestures and waves to the other divisions as they passed by.

In this time of peace it is not uncommon to find most resting, most notably the captains.

At that moment in the squad eight barracks were Shunsui and Ukitake.

"So." Said Shunsui as he lay back under the blossom tree." How's that lieutenant of yours doing?"

"Oh he's fine, getting much better." Replied Ukitake.

"Say." Said Shunsui pushing his hat above his eyes to look at his friend." What happened to him, something brutal right?"

"Yes well." Began Ukitake clearing his throat before continuing." He was found in the middle of the street with both his arms and legs broken. He said he tried to call for help but there was a gag in his mouth and eventually he passed out from the pain. When he was found he was rushed to squad four immediately, and when he finally came to he said he'd been lying there for fourteen hours, and he tried to call for help but he had the gag in his mouth."

"Now that's brutal." Said Shunsui." Does he know who did it to him?"

"Who else could it be?" said Ukitake looking to Shunsui with an obvious look.

"Oh the Kenpachi huh?" asked Shunsui sitting up." It sounds like something he'd do. Did you tell Head-Captain Yamamoto about it?"

"No." said Ukitake with a wave of his hand." You know how we gets when he bring him up."

"It's not like we have any other options." Said Shunsui." If theirs disorder amongst the squads, more importantly their officers the Head-Captain has to know."

"You are right of course." Said Ukitake with a sigh.

"C'mon." said Shunsui standing up." Let's go see the old man."

"I'm not going to like this." Said Ukitake.

Sure enough the two went to squad one, and sure enough Ukitake was right Yamamoto was displeased.

"DAMN IT!" screamed the old man as he slammed his fist on the desk causing the two captains before him to jump." DAMN HIM, DAMN THAT MAN!" Then the old man stood there and took many deep and hard breaths.

"Head-Captain." Said Ukitake." What should we do about this?"

"Do?" asked Yamamoto." DO?!" The rise in his voice causing the two to jump even more." I'll tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to call a Captains meeting and get all his violent and disgusting acts from the Captains and then we'll deal with him accordingly." Then Yamamoto clapped his hands and his lieutenant Sasakibe came into the room and Yamamoto ordered him to call all the captains to a meeting.

And sure enough the captains wasted no time in getting there and before the hour was over they had all arrived.

Yamamoto sat his chair and looked down at the two columns of Captains before him, his own lieutenant right beside him with a large book they would fill with the Kenpachi's crimes, sporting a black eye from his encounter with the Kenpachi. The Kenpachi in question of course was not present.

"Now Captains." Began Yamamoto." I'm sure your all curious as to why you've been called here today and that reason is simple, we are here to discuss the vile actions of your co-worker the current Captain of Squad eleven. Everything we say shall be recorded down in this book." He said pointing to his lieutenant." And once we have it all the Kenpachi will be dealt with. So." He asked with a smile on his face as he looked at the rest of them."Who would like to go first?"

"Shouldn't you go first?" asked Shunsui.

"Oh no." replied Yamamoto with a chuckle in his voice." I shall savor my words. Captain Ukitake you brought this to my attention, so you should go first."

Ukitake then recounted the story of how he found his lieutenant battered and beaten that morning.

"And on another occasion." Continued Ukitake." We snuck into my barracks and switched my medication with jolly ranchers, and I believe my medication has been sold somewhere on the black market."

A murmur broke out amongst the captains and the captain of squad three Rojuro stepped up.

"I too have had a horrible encounter with the Kenpachi." He said as Ukitake stepped down." Once I saw him walking down the street and I wanted to be polite and so I told him 'Good Morning' to which he didn't reply and continued to lumber on. I thought to myself I might strike up a conversation with him seeing as how no one knew much about him. So I commented saying 'Oh it looks like you got a little bedhead there'. He immediately turned to me and said '_I think you look like a fuckin faggot_!' Despite his comment I pushed it aside, everyone has a bad day maybe this was his, he might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. So I said to him 'There's a place I go to get my hair done' and I handed him the card of the place which he accepted so I thought I must have gotten threw to him. Then I turned and walked off, I arrived to that salon ten minutes later to find it burned to the ground."

"If I may." Said Shunsui raising one arm up and stepping forward." Not too long ago I had a cake made for Ukitake's birthday and I had one of my fourth seats go and deliver it to him. 'Cut across the Squad eleven barracks' I told him 'It's the fastest way'. My gift was never received and I never saw that fourth seat again."

"These things are not definite." Spoke up Yamamoto." We need real facts, eyewitness accounts."

"As the captain of the ninth squad it is my job to act as security for the soul society." Told Kensei." And we used to hand out demerits to all those who broke the rules. One time I caught the Kenpachi loitering in a place I didn't think he should be loitering in. So I wrote on a pink sheet of paper five dermits and went over to hand it to him. Upon my approached he turned and surprisingly made eye-contact with me. I held the paper before him but he didn't take it and instead look down at me.' _The Fuck do you want_?' he asked after several moments. 'These are demerits' I told him.'For you loitering'. _'Get Fucked Loser'_ was his reply and he turned and walked off. Later that day I had a third seat go over and deliver him the pink slip of paper. I was later delivered my third seats head in a basket with the paper crumbled up in his mouth."

"He did raise his predecessor's head on a pike after he killed him." Added Shinji.

"I once saw him in the rukon district." Said Love." I was sent there to investigate some strange occurrences like robberies and muggings. But I saw him there gambling with the local merchants. Now he lost the game fair and square I saw it happen. But then he reached over and plunged his fist into the man's stomach and pulled out his stomach and began eating it before him. Then he was surrounded by fifteen men but he smiled and began singing a song, something about 'fifteen birds'. I confronted him during the assault but he calmed the man a 'thief' and how he'd 'hate him forever'. Then he ran off and I tried to give chase but for a man of his size he's very quick. So I abandoned him and decided to go about with my mission and to deal with him later. I went to the area of the incident and began questioning the victims. They all gave me matching descriptions of the attacker, saying he was 'tall, dark skinned with black hair and beard, with two piece rings coming out form his lips.' They also added how he introduced himself 'Kiganjo'."

"Good, good." Said Yamamoto as he turned to Sasakiba who wrote all of it down.

"I don't understand how a man of his size is still alive." Said Unohanna.

Then Genrei Kuchiki stepped up. "I'll tell ya what I think of that boy." He said. It is important to note that Genrei and Yamamoto were old friends and saw eye to eye on many matters, particular on their opinions of the present Kenpachi." I've seen him round as he taken a few swipes at me in passing. One night I was awakened to find him urinating on my lawn. I on several occasions witnessed him having relations with my wife. My grandson is afraid to come over and visit because of what doctor's classify as a 'traumatic experience'."

It was at this time that Kisuke stepped up, he darted his head from left to and he spoke softly. " I want this off record." He said. And Yamamoto waved Sasakibe to not write it down." Every time I've seen him, he almost immediately resorts to violence and threatens to kill me over the littlest things." Then he stepped back and Yamamoto pointed for Sasakibe to write it down.

Then at that moment Yoruichi stepped up." I have a lot to say." She began." Kenpachi Kiganjo is a good man. And he and I are madly in love." Everyone else couldn't help but jump up in shock at her words. Then she continued on with her fantasy." We have the cutest nicknames for each other I call him 'Baby', 'Sweetheart', 'Pumpkin'. And he calls he things like '_Whore_!'." Unohanna put her hand over her mouth as it was said." '_Slut', _and '_Gold-digger'._" Everyone else looked around wondering if what they just heard was real, and how she thought it was okay that it happens." He always come over to my barracks and we make love or as calls it a _'pity fuck'_ or a '_booty call'."_ When she spoke of these things she spoke with such happiness and joy." He comes over to my barracks to see me, but immediately after he goes into the pool and reads his book, and when I talk to him he never answers or looks at me but I can tell he's listening." Everyone else was just listening and they were speechless. "Some say he has anger issues and that he's violent but he's justified in everything he does. For instance he doesn't get along with my lieutenant. One day he came into my barracks and my lieutenant was looking the other way, so he ran up and kicked him in the back of the head. And one time I went over to his barracks to go see him but I must have caught him in a bad mood because he struck me." Everyone in the room's jaws dropped but Yoruichi put her hands up defensibly." It's okay, it's my fault, I deserved it, I came over unannounced. But he loves me truly he does and wants to marry me. I know this because he's always talking about the '_One Ring'_._" _Then with all that said and a smile on her face she stepped back, everyone else still speechless.

In the aftermath Yamamoto turned to Sasakibe.

"Did you get any of that?" he asked.

"No."

"Good, good." Said Yamamoto rubbing his hands together.

"But sir she spoke positively of him, without that isn't this a fixed hearing?"

"Yes." Was the reply." Fixed for the greater good."

"Sir now it's time for your input." Said Sasakiba ready to write down. Yamamoto took the pen and paper from his hand.

"I shall write it myself." He said and began doing so. It was a long time before he finally finished. He wrote furiously and said it all aloud as he did so, showing his extreme hatred of the Captain in question." YOU'RE A FAT MOTHERFUCKING PEACE OF SHIT!" Many were shocked because they'd never heard those words from his mouth before." I HOPE YOU FUCKIN DIE! I HATE YOUR FUCKIN PARENTS FOR CREATING YOU! THE DAY I DON'T HAVE TO SEE YOUR FAT FACE IS THE DAY I CAN DIE PEACEFULLY!" And there was much more beyond that, but it would be too long to put it all down here. He breathed heavily as he dotted his last period." There." He panted as he closed the book and handed it to his lieutenant." Deliver this to him at once, and fire him."

"Sire." Said Sasakibe taking the book." I can't do that."

"Why not?" asked Yamamoto.

"I'm a lieutenant, even with your blessing I don't have the authority."

"Who will do it?" asked Yamamoto as he tried to pass the book off to the other captains." Who will do it?" But none of them took it.

"Head-Captain." Said Ukitake." You're the only one who can fire Captains, we can't we're the same rank."

Yamamoto fell silent for although he hated Kiganjo with every fiber of his being he hated even more being in his presence, and even if he could be rid of him forever he couldn't bring himself to make the journey to his barracks and face him as he loathed his company that much. His hands began to tremble and the book fell to the ground, it's pages scattering all over the floor and now useless. And a lone tear fell down the old man's face.

Meanwhile far away at the Squad eleven barracks at the front entrance sitting by the round door was Kenpachi Kiganjo.

He sat there with a pipe in his hand looking down at a book called 'The Hobbit' in his hands. Then after he turned the page a strange smile came over his face, it was something he couldn't explain he only knew that something made him happy.

Then he titled his head back and blew a smoke ring into the air. With another puff of his pipe he blew out more smoke only in the shape of a ship, and then he blew the ship into his smoke ring. Then he went back to reading his book.

**The End**


End file.
